Defenses

Defenses have their place. Sometimes you need them. Scratch that. Sometimes I need them. (I really have no idea if you do or not.) But, sometimes, you have to put your defenses back down, even if you think there's a chance you might be hurt.

My subconscious does not agree with me. Last night's dream? I was driving a white convertible, and I parked it, left the roof down, and left my purse in the driver's seat. When I came back, lo and behold, everything of value had been taken out of the purse. My brain is kind of a smartass and likes to tell me things in dreams as obviously as it possibly can. "If you leave your defenses down, someone's going to steal your stuff."

But, Brain, you need to shut up for a little while. Because I have to work on this, and to give my all to this project, I'm gonna have to leave the convertible top down and my purse in the seat, and just trust that my stuff won't get stolen, because there is respect on the other side, and people who respect you don't steal your stuff.

29

I'm 29. Somehow, it seems like that makes a difference. Every woman I know over 30 flipped out a little around that birthday. Could be astrology, but I doubt it. Could be that nice round number that makes us panic... but it seems like it should be something more. (I didn't panic when I turned 20, after all.) But there's something.

All my life, I've been told that women don't really "hit their stride" until their 30s. Is it because we all flip out when we're 29?

In my case, it feels more like growing a brain than flipping out. What the hell have I been doing for the 28 years preceding? Why did I think it was ok to do the stuff I've been doing-- to practically beg people to use me, and then feel bad about it when they did? To allow things to happen to me for the sake of some misplaced sense of "love" that I, in no way, should have to put up with? To get shoved around in my little rowboat, when really, it's my rowboat?

No. Just no. No more of that.

And I will hit my stride in my 30s. Wait and see.