Wanting

I wrote this in December 2003:

Years of praying and learning to pray taught me more guilt than anything, and more how to deny my wants than to actually think about them or ask for them. It taught me that I obviously can't know what I want because I'm a lowly, stupid mortal and therefore I can't ask for what I want because, not only would that be selfish, but that would be stupid. But I've had enough of "not knowing" what I want. Everyone is smart enough to know what they want and everyone does know what they want. It's just that some of us are better at burying it than others. I really did think I didn't know what I wanted for the longest time, but I do. I know what I want.

Damn. I sure was smart.

Love in the Real World

One of the biggest life lessons I ever learned from my mom was that you don't have to like everyone, but you do have to try to love them. I always thought this was a wonderful goal, and spoke to the ability to recognize the goodness in everyone, and treat people (even if you don't particularly like them) with kindness and respect. For as long as I can remember, I have been striving to love everyone. (I'm not always successful, but I do try.)

No one ever told me the other part, though: You also have to be loved. If you spend your whole life loving the unlovable without anything in return, you end up empty, barren of the love you're supposed to be giving in the first place. Love is not a bottomless well from your soul. It needs to be refilled with love from other people, and love for yourself. Hm, that makes sense. But I'd honestly never thought of that before. Not once.

In my enthusiasm to love everyone, I assumed a little "God Complex," we'll call it. (That's what Dr. Sara called it, and I admit to flinching at the term, but it's accurate.) I am not capable of unconditional love. That's just the way it is, because I am human. I want to be capable, sure. But I am not God, I am not a bottomless well of love, and I need love in return, or I at least need love from some source if I'm not getting it from the unlovable person I'm doing my darndest to love.

In a way, it's a little sad... I sort of want to be a bottomless well of love, ya know?

On the other hand, I'm glad to finally understand this. It lets me off the hook a little. If I don't love someone, it's not because I am a failure as a human being. It's because I am a human being.

The Get Happy Project

Even the longest journey begins with a single step. That being said, every single step of the journey can still suck ass. -robvlock

I decided that I am tired of my little pity party. I'm tired of being introspective and writing depressing stuff on this blog, and tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself, and tired of feeling lost and hopeless. I am a smart, driven, capable woman and I can fix this, damnit.

With the help of Dr. Sara, I now have a plan.

1. Exercise.
Truly, it would be best if I could find an exercise I enjoy. Have not been successful at that... ever. So barring being able to enjoy exercising, I can at least enjoy myself while exercising. This means rigging up a way to watch TV while treading on the treadmill, or finding music I really enjoy to listen to while I walk, or something. Ideas are welcome.

2. Meditation.
Or prayer or contemplation or whatever you want to call it. Mission this week is to find a book or something to read on how to get started with this. I have never seriously attempted meditation, aside from praying when I was younger, which was less meditation and more asking for favors.

3. Creation.
My creative outlet has always been, and probably will continue to be writing. I need to make time for it each day. This is great, since I'm about to attempt NaNoWriMo.

4. Community.
I'm already a part of a couple great communities: the Betties, of course, and a local writers' group I'm in. I think the goal here would be to continue to participate and observe, and also allow the gifts of love I receive from these groups. I have a nasty tendency to fail to accept support and love because I feel like I don't need it, or worse, don't deserve it. And I need to stop that.

So that's the plan. Here I go!

Doing The Work

I'm good at Doing The Work. I know that Doing The Work is the only way that you get results. And when I don't Do The Work, I know squarely where to place the blame. I Do The Work, I make the grade. I Do The Work, I get the job done. I Do The Work, the novel gets written. I Do The Work, things get better.

Except things don't always get better. Sometimes, when I Do The Work, I can't make the whole picture come together like I want it to. Sometimes, when I Do The Work, the other 50% doesn't get done because I can't do that part. And it's frustrating.

But I'm noticing. I'm noticing that I'm Doing The Work, and that's all I can do. And, for now, noticing is enough.

Screaming

I told Dr. Sara this week that I sometimes feel like I'm screaming (metaphorically-- I very rarely scream) at a brick wall. She said, "Maybe it's time to start whispering."

So, yes, I can see the wisdom in this. Instead of stating my position over and over again, and trying to explain, and reiterating, and generally exhausting myself with the effort to make people understand, maybe it is time to whisper. This means holding the line, but maybe not defending myself verbally. It means keeping my boundaries in place, but maybe not explaining why. It means being quiet.

And I think I can do that.

Book Review: Boundaries by Anne Katherine

Pretty good introduction to the concept of boundaries. It was really high-level but with a lot of examples and real-world stories. I had a little trouble relating to a lot of what was in this book because the examples were so extreme: childhood abuse and rape, physical spousal abuse, and the like. I would have liked to get a little more practical advice for my situation, but I think this book would be really helpful for someone who had experienced some of those scenarios, to get them going down the right path.

I'm interested in checking out Anne Katherine's other book, Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day, because I feel like that might give me some better real-world applications for the idea of boundaries.

Seeking Wisdom from the Bettysphere

I've been thinking a lot about boundaries, because repairing mine is my current Healthy Activity. (Yes, I can handle only one Healthy Activity at a time. Don't talk to me about procrastination or soda drinking. I can't think about that right now. ;-) )

It seems that my boundaries are pretty well in place in my work life. I don't let people bully me in the office, I never feel guilty about taking my vacation days, and I don't apologize for stuff that isn't my fault. So why can I not do this in other areas of my life? Why is it so hard not to let myself be bullied by a religious zealot of a relative? Why is it so hard not to allow inappropriate behavior from the people I love the most?

I sat in the sun and rolled this around in my head for half an hour or so on Sunday, and the thought I kept coming back to was sacrifice. My idea of love is really tied up with the idea of sacrifice.

Part of that is my religious upbringing. I was raised in an evangelical Christian tradition, which means, "Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." And, you know, there's that whole Jesus thing. He loved us so much that he had to die for it. [As a side note, the whole Jesus thing is muddled in my brain in my adulthood, and I'm not so sure about the death/sacrifice thing anymore like I was when I was a child, but it's still an important part of my background and a large part of where the idea came from.]

The other part of the sacrifice as love idea was the example I was taught. My parents, my mom in particular, were always sacrificing for the sake of love. I remember Mom not buying things she wanted so that she could buy us new school clothes, for example.

So sacrifice is almost inextricable from love in my mind. With that background, it's not such a logical leap to think that I need to sacrifice myself (my own needs, wants, desires, feelings) in order to show love.

How do I reconcile that with boundaries? If I am sacrificing myself, am I not being untrue to my needs/wants/desires? But if I don't sacrifice, what does that make me? Selfish and unloving is what my logic says.

I guess this is where I ask the Bettysphere for opinions. Lay your best assvice on me, my dears. Am I totally off my rocker and just wrong about the sacrifice thing? Is there some happy medium maybe? How do you keep your boundaries in place but still do what you need to do for the people you love? Halp pls, k thx.

What the Girl Wants

Dr. Sara pointed out that I have to start being ok with being selfish. My kneejerk is always, "I don't want to be selfish. And if I feel like I'm being selfish, I will work really hard to do the opposite." But, she pointed out, wisely, that everyone is selfish, and there's no point in lying to yourself about what you really want. You don't always have to get what you want, but you'll be healthier if you at least admit what it is.

The emotional part of this is really hard for me. When I want you to shut up and listen to me and not talk about your problems, I am not going to tell you that. In fact, I'm not even going to admit it to myself. I'm going to convince myself that I am an excellent listener and that my role is to let you talk.

So how do I get to a place where I can at least be honest with myself?

I'm reading Boundaries by Anne Katherine and one of the exercises is to, for a day at first, take note of every physical need/want you have and meet it as soon as you can. This means that if you are hungry, you go eat a snack. If you are tired, you take a break or go for a walk. Etc., etc. Sounds simple, but I don't always do it. You know what, though? Taking care of physical wants is a lot easier than taking care of the emotional ones, and I think it's an ok way to get started. Bonus? Feeling empowered to take care of myself physically makes me want to start taking better care of myself emotionally, too.

So, we'll see how this goes. I'm letting myself take it slow, and I'm patting myself on the back for going for a walk Saturday because I felt like it, and for taking a break from my homework Sunday morning to eat breakfast, even though I wasn't done with the work yet. It all worked out fine, and no one suffered because I paused to eat a granola bar. Imagine that.