I've been thinking a lot about boundaries, because repairing mine is my current Healthy Activity. (Yes, I can handle only one Healthy Activity at a time. Don't talk to me about procrastination or soda drinking. I can't think about that right now. ;-) )
It seems that my boundaries are pretty well in place in my work life. I don't let people bully me in the office, I never feel guilty about taking my vacation days, and I don't apologize for stuff that isn't my fault. So why can I not do this in other areas of my life? Why is it so hard not to let myself be bullied by a religious zealot of a relative? Why is it so hard not to allow inappropriate behavior from the people I love the most?
I sat in the sun and rolled this around in my head for half an hour or so on Sunday, and the thought I kept coming back to was sacrifice. My idea of love is really tied up with the idea of sacrifice.
Part of that is my religious upbringing. I was raised in an evangelical Christian tradition, which means, "Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." And, you know, there's that whole Jesus thing. He loved us so much that he had to die for it. [As a side note, the whole Jesus thing is muddled in my brain in my adulthood, and I'm not so sure about the death/sacrifice thing anymore like I was when I was a child, but it's still an important part of my background and a large part of where the idea came from.]
The other part of the sacrifice as love idea was the example I was taught. My parents, my mom in particular, were always sacrificing for the sake of love. I remember Mom not buying things she wanted so that she could buy us new school clothes, for example.
So sacrifice is almost inextricable from love in my mind. With that background, it's not such a logical leap to think that I need to sacrifice myself (my own needs, wants, desires, feelings) in order to show love.
How do I reconcile that with boundaries? If I am sacrificing myself, am I not being untrue to my needs/wants/desires? But if I don't sacrifice, what does that make me? Selfish and unloving is what my logic says.
I guess this is where I ask the Bettysphere for opinions. Lay your best assvice on me, my dears. Am I totally off my rocker and just wrong about the sacrifice thing? Is there some happy medium maybe? How do you keep your boundaries in place but still do what you need to do for the people you love? Halp pls, k thx.
6 comments:
Oh my god Bethany, that was so great! Thank you! I'm going to read over this 3 or 4 or 8 more times. THANK YOU!
There is a fine line between sacrificing for those you love, being a martyr and being a doormat. I think it is a balance of needs. You have to be whole in order to give something to someone else. I sacrifice stuff all the time for my son, but he has no clue - I do want needs to be done to take care of him, that's my job. Bragging about this, or using it to make him feel guilty, would make me sound like a martyr. Someone trying to take something from me, even something like taking out anger on me when their problems are not mine to fix, is an attempt to turn me into a doormat.
Keep working through this - ask yourself who has the need, and who benefits from the sacrifice.
Since I don't really believe in guilt and have the opposite issue with boundaries I may not be of much help here. But if you can see each situation through the view of being true to yourself that might be useful. What Bona Fide said about being a good mom, in a balanced and caring way, can be applied all over the place. Also, if you don't seem to be having this type of problem at work, is there some way to apply that more liberally when you are not on the job? Because it seems like you can see it, just not transfer it.
Hey there. Catholic girl raised by martyr mom here. Still have trouble setting boundaries with her, actually. I'm with you on the work thing. If someone messes with my class or my schedule or what I know to be right, I'll wallop them with an icy, pointed tirade designed to leave them sucking their figurative thumb. I think a lot of my sacrifice complex comes from the tether of guilt/shame and how would I feel if I had a daughter and she bla-bla-bla? Projecting much? Why yes I am thanks for noticing.
I'm getting better with the word NO. Really quite impressive for me.
Don't let them trash you, honey. We're with you.
oh, yes, I'm probably twice your age and I'm still working on this one. Also have the evangelical parents to go with it. I'm not sure I have any great advice to give. I've set boundaries in the past a few times when really up against the wall-- for example when I told my crazymaking dad not to come visit me one time when he was determined to come (he lives over a thousand miles away), or when I started saying no to volunteer stuff a couple of years ago when I got overloaded. I can remember gripping the phone and closing my eyes and just blurting the words out that time with my dad. It was awful, but it would have been worse to have him come, so I did it.
But on a day-to-day basis, especially when you're learning how to do it, it is really hard. A couple of weeks ago a friend called me on a day I was looking forward to having all to myself and asked me to come help her move (long story, she was desperate). I didn't want to do it, but once I knew about it, I knew I wouldn't be able to relax knowing she needed help, so I finally compromised on helping her for 2 hours. That turned out to be the perfect way to handle it for me --I ended up having fun while doing it, and felt good about helping her, but still had plenty of time for myself. But it took me about twenty minutes to think through how I wanted to respond-- and maybe other people would have had a different response. A few years ago I would have dropped everything and spent the whole day over there, so it was progress for me!
So-- I guess I'm learning, too. Hang in there, and please post about it if you come up with any good strategies.
It is hard because of your upbringing. It is hard because it is the people you love the most.
IMO: There is a difference between being religious and being a woman of faith, the believing in the "whole Jesus thing." The zealot, "if you do not follow the rules, (often, "man" made rules of the church,) you will not enter heaven" person will probably never see that he/she is missing a very fundamental principle of Christianity, which is love. And, unfortunately, the zealot will use love as a form of manipulation or control against you. Often not much you can do about a zealot. I believe it is a driving force within and they cannot "see" what they are doing. This is sad, especially with a loved one.
The following is my experience and solution, perhaps, it may help you.
I have one sister who drives the whack out of me. Yes, I love her. I also have huge boundaries. The "I love you, but, I cannot be with you if you doe not stop doing what is hurtful to me conversation," was filled with much emotion.
The Boundaries are/were:
1 ~ I will not discuss religious matters with her and I tell her why. The things I agree on, I will discuss. I am answerable to God for my thoughts and deeds, besides, God already knows my thoughts. Ps 139.
2 ~ Until she got the message, I did not answer the phone when she called.
3 ~ If, I do answer, and the abuse starts, and it is abuse, I tell her I have to go and say goodbye while hanging up. Yes, she uses the "I love you" card, the guilt card, the "you don't love me" card, etc., pick a card, any card, and she will use it. Basically, I was polite, for the most part.
As adults, we think for ourselves and believe according to "truth" which resonates within us. I have researched many beliefs and return to being a woman of faith in God, because, it resonates in my heart. It is truth to me. My boundaries are: if one wishes to speak about the things of God, then, one must respect me and my beliefs as I do with their beliefs. There is room for "let's just disagree..." and carry on. There are some wonderful people who do not agree with me and I really admire and appreciate them.
To disagree, does not mean I do not love, it means, I do not agree with the point being made.
I try not to be drawn back into discussion, which, generally means, I leave. It may take a little while to get it across. I smile sweetly and have a pressing engagement I must attend to. It is hard.
Excellent comments, then, again, the Betties are wise women. As for the sacrificial love thing, others said it very well.
Jesus' sacrifice - totally different kind of sacrifice. His was a spiritual sacrifice. We have free will to believe in it or not. Sadly, Christians do things which cause people to run far, far away from religious organizations instead of loving in deeds of caring for others.
I hope this has been helpful. It is not my intention to hurt you in anyway. I try to live by the "they will know us by our love for one another." I trust you will find the answers you are seeking and listen to your heart. It is a good one.
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