Years of praying and learning to pray taught me more guilt than anything, and more how to deny my wants than to actually think about them or ask for them. It taught me that I obviously can't know what I want because I'm a lowly, stupid mortal and therefore I can't ask for what I want because, not only would that be selfish, but that would be stupid. But I've had enough of "not knowing" what I want. Everyone is smart enough to know what they want and everyone does know what they want. It's just that some of us are better at burying it than others. I really did think I didn't know what I wanted for the longest time, but I do. I know what I want.
Damn. I sure was smart.
2 comments:
When I first read this I was so sad for the 2003 you, but then I started to get angry. The guilt and unreality that some belief systems smother people in pisses me off. Whatever you call your god (or creator or any label you apply in that instance) is so not what real love and real prayer and real healing is about. It breaks my heart that there are folks out there struggling, and when they go to a place of supposed solace, they are treated as mindless idiots. Okay now I'm just ranting and maybe this has nothing to do with what you wrote at all.
But like you said, you sure were smart enough to know that YOU were the one to know what you wanted. Reclaim that knowledge now, and go with it. (And feel free to ignore me when I use your space as a soapbox.)
Yes, you are smart.
And the way i see it, praying is ABOUT knowing. Knowing that you are loved, you are worthy, you come from a place of goodness. I'm so sorry that guilt and oppression accompany this. Maybe meditate? It's spiritual but not religious so the albatross of shame just flies on by.
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