29

I'm 29. Somehow, it seems like that makes a difference. Every woman I know over 30 flipped out a little around that birthday. Could be astrology, but I doubt it. Could be that nice round number that makes us panic... but it seems like it should be something more. (I didn't panic when I turned 20, after all.) But there's something.

All my life, I've been told that women don't really "hit their stride" until their 30s. Is it because we all flip out when we're 29?

In my case, it feels more like growing a brain than flipping out. What the hell have I been doing for the 28 years preceding? Why did I think it was ok to do the stuff I've been doing-- to practically beg people to use me, and then feel bad about it when they did? To allow things to happen to me for the sake of some misplaced sense of "love" that I, in no way, should have to put up with? To get shoved around in my little rowboat, when really, it's my rowboat?

No. Just no. No more of that.

And I will hit my stride in my 30s. Wait and see.

Wanting

I wrote this in December 2003:

Years of praying and learning to pray taught me more guilt than anything, and more how to deny my wants than to actually think about them or ask for them. It taught me that I obviously can't know what I want because I'm a lowly, stupid mortal and therefore I can't ask for what I want because, not only would that be selfish, but that would be stupid. But I've had enough of "not knowing" what I want. Everyone is smart enough to know what they want and everyone does know what they want. It's just that some of us are better at burying it than others. I really did think I didn't know what I wanted for the longest time, but I do. I know what I want.

Damn. I sure was smart.

Love in the Real World

One of the biggest life lessons I ever learned from my mom was that you don't have to like everyone, but you do have to try to love them. I always thought this was a wonderful goal, and spoke to the ability to recognize the goodness in everyone, and treat people (even if you don't particularly like them) with kindness and respect. For as long as I can remember, I have been striving to love everyone. (I'm not always successful, but I do try.)

No one ever told me the other part, though: You also have to be loved. If you spend your whole life loving the unlovable without anything in return, you end up empty, barren of the love you're supposed to be giving in the first place. Love is not a bottomless well from your soul. It needs to be refilled with love from other people, and love for yourself. Hm, that makes sense. But I'd honestly never thought of that before. Not once.

In my enthusiasm to love everyone, I assumed a little "God Complex," we'll call it. (That's what Dr. Sara called it, and I admit to flinching at the term, but it's accurate.) I am not capable of unconditional love. That's just the way it is, because I am human. I want to be capable, sure. But I am not God, I am not a bottomless well of love, and I need love in return, or I at least need love from some source if I'm not getting it from the unlovable person I'm doing my darndest to love.

In a way, it's a little sad... I sort of want to be a bottomless well of love, ya know?

On the other hand, I'm glad to finally understand this. It lets me off the hook a little. If I don't love someone, it's not because I am a failure as a human being. It's because I am a human being.

The Get Happy Project

Even the longest journey begins with a single step. That being said, every single step of the journey can still suck ass. -robvlock

I decided that I am tired of my little pity party. I'm tired of being introspective and writing depressing stuff on this blog, and tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself, and tired of feeling lost and hopeless. I am a smart, driven, capable woman and I can fix this, damnit.

With the help of Dr. Sara, I now have a plan.

1. Exercise.
Truly, it would be best if I could find an exercise I enjoy. Have not been successful at that... ever. So barring being able to enjoy exercising, I can at least enjoy myself while exercising. This means rigging up a way to watch TV while treading on the treadmill, or finding music I really enjoy to listen to while I walk, or something. Ideas are welcome.

2. Meditation.
Or prayer or contemplation or whatever you want to call it. Mission this week is to find a book or something to read on how to get started with this. I have never seriously attempted meditation, aside from praying when I was younger, which was less meditation and more asking for favors.

3. Creation.
My creative outlet has always been, and probably will continue to be writing. I need to make time for it each day. This is great, since I'm about to attempt NaNoWriMo.

4. Community.
I'm already a part of a couple great communities: the Betties, of course, and a local writers' group I'm in. I think the goal here would be to continue to participate and observe, and also allow the gifts of love I receive from these groups. I have a nasty tendency to fail to accept support and love because I feel like I don't need it, or worse, don't deserve it. And I need to stop that.

So that's the plan. Here I go!

Doing The Work

I'm good at Doing The Work. I know that Doing The Work is the only way that you get results. And when I don't Do The Work, I know squarely where to place the blame. I Do The Work, I make the grade. I Do The Work, I get the job done. I Do The Work, the novel gets written. I Do The Work, things get better.

Except things don't always get better. Sometimes, when I Do The Work, I can't make the whole picture come together like I want it to. Sometimes, when I Do The Work, the other 50% doesn't get done because I can't do that part. And it's frustrating.

But I'm noticing. I'm noticing that I'm Doing The Work, and that's all I can do. And, for now, noticing is enough.