I was talking with Dr. Sara the other day about independence. It was always a goal of mine to be independent, and I pursued it fiercely, more so in high school than afterward, but I wanted to make it a part of my identity. When I imagined my ideal self, I was confident, friendly, just fine taking care of myself, and able to pursue my dreams. (Also tall, thin, and red-haired, but let's not focus on that for now.)Something, though, something, made the pendulum swing the other way. Dr. Sara pointed out that a lot of women do this dance during dating to get men to accept them. Instead of the couple training each other, the woman allows herself to be trained and, in fact, rises to the occasion, putting on this disgusting circus of, "Hey, look at me! I can be exactly what you need me to be!" Then, because she is so involved in her little song and dance, she forgets the part where she's supposed to evaluate the man, too. Oops. And I did that. Multiple times. And then, inevitably, the pendulum would swing back to fiercely independent and I would get annoyed that the man wanted me to act the way I acted when we were first dating, and things would get sticky.
Dr. Sara says that if the pendulum can stay closer to the middle, the swinging is smaller and therefore less traumatic. Yes, independence is good, but maybe not ball-busting, don't-need-no-one, lone wolf, Amazon woman independence. Yes, cooperation is good, but maybe not (here comes the Betty metaphor) lying down in the road and instructing someone to steamroll over you.
Happy medium, I haz it.
4 comments:
I'm afraid I am also an Amazon in spirit, and have not trusted that pendulum enough to let it sway gently toward the middle of the road. Of course, I have been single for over a decade, so do not ever give out dating advice. :)
I get what you mean. My upbringing sort of trained me to be unhealthy in other ways-- not so much dependent, but definitely far too accommodating, I think.
The metaphor I use is "you might as well stitch 'welcome' across your tits and lie down outside a doorway."
Independence is tough for me because my cultural conditioning has been one of dependece.
My name is Diva and I AM Miss Independent. A ball busting Amazon. My husband joked that "Desperado" should be the processional at our wedding. At least I *think* he was joking.
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