I inherently understood this perception as reality thing when I was younger. In kindergarden, I didn't want the "teams" on the playground to be the Good Guys and the Bad Guys, because I was absolutely sure that the Bad Guys did not think they were bad at all. (Yeah, I was pretty deep for a 5-year-old.)
So I get it. Perceptions make reality and, therefore, reality is different for everyone.
I just wish I could tell the difference between mine and everyone else's. You wouldn't think it would be so difficult, and it wouldn't be if I wasn't fighting an uphill battle against some pretty serious codependent tendencies. (Ugly wart #1-- I told you you'd be seeing some.) I never realized that not knowing what I want could be such a bad thing. But it's bad. Not only do I not know what I want, but I'm confusing what I want with what other people want, and I can't separate the two in my head.
It's like two colors of Play-Doh all smushed together-- eventually the colors are just going to blend and it's going to be an icky puke green color and the realities won't be different. But separating the colors before they turn puke green is going to be tough-- lots of detail work, lots of picking out tiny pieces of blue from the yellow, lots of putting things back together. I'm going to let this screaming metaphor rest now, but you get my point, right? Puke green Play-Doh makes kittens cry.What I don't want to do and what I am afraid of is losing the part of me that empathizes. I think me being able to feel what you feel is a strength, and a good part of me, and I don't want to let that go completely. But I have to figure out where to draw the line. I have to be able to experience your reality without making it mine.
I think I've got my work cut out for me.
3 comments:
I find it infinitely easier to empathize with other people, even other characters in movies/books than it is for me to identify how I truly feel.
My brother is the same way. He says he watches sad movies to really "get" sadness. I can totally understand that. It's easier to identify through books/movies than it is in my own life.
I worry that I feel more for fictional characters than I do for my own emotions...
The work can be painstaking, but you know that it needs doing.
The rewards are going to be so very worthwhile.
Skye, I think that part of that might be that we're not always in a situation to feel certain emotions-- which is a good thing! And it is cathartic to watch movies, etc. I think that's also why dreaming is so important: you get to feel the emotions and go through the situations you might not in real life, but at least then you get some practice for the real thing.
Sarah, thanks for the comment! I know it needs to be done, and I'm willing, if not immediately able. ;)
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