Boundaries, Dammit

I got to talking with Dr. Sara today about applying the principles I'm learning across life, and not just in one particular situation. After all, making boundaries in one particular situation is all fine and good, but if you're not consistent, it's just a rule.

I have a set of relatives who do not drink. Not only do they not drink, but they also expect everyone else not to drink in their presence. This royally pisses Robbie off, and I always thought that was just him being defensive and unreasonable. Turns out, it's really their problem (and mine). If he wants to answer the door when they come over with a beer in his hand, it's just his way of expressing his boundaries. It's him saying, "You people may choose not to drink, but I choose to drink. I'm not going to force you to drink, but you can't force me not to drink."

In my head, I always understood that my relatives were being unreasonable, but my peacemaker nature wanted to avoid conflict and just do as they wished, so I never pushed it with them. If I felt like it would be nice to have a glass of wine with dinner, I wouldn't do it if they were around. But do you see where that's a problem? It's me allowing them to dictate how I feel and think and act. And it's me participating in their lie that, "We don't drink, so no one else should drink either."

And dammit all if it doesn't piss me off that I didn't see that. I should have seen that. Sigh.

Picking up a new book this week, Boundaries by Anne Katherine, and hoping that will give me a place to start working on all this stuff. It honestly amazes me how much stuff I've been doing that I don't even realize is unhealthy. But I'm slowly untwisting everything. Slowly. I'll get there.